If you’ve stumbled on this post hoping to read some erotic story, I am sorry to disappoint you. This post is about the awkwardness of spitting wine at wine tastings. Although there are a lot of parallels to the dilemma many couples are faced with behind closed bedroom doors (or for the more adventurous ones of you, behind your favourite bush, and not George W.), so there may in fact be a possibility of arousal.
The reason for spitting (we’re on wine now) at tastings is due to the sheer number of samples one would be tasting, and swallowing would impair you judgement of later samples. As a result, there are spittoons located everywhere for the so-called “experts” to utilise, however there are several reasons why I don’t spit.
Spittoons are much like the version of watering holes. People congregate around them fighting for the right of way to “release” their wine. So the technique of spitting, is to take a large swigful of the wine, and swirl it around your mouth exciting all the sensory receptors in you mouth as well as naturally airing the liquid to bring out flavours. After 15 seconds or so, you spit. This means when the wine is to be spat, there is often a tussle for the spittoon, without getting the giggles and discharging prematurely down some poor woman’s back (we’ve all been there).
You’ve finally made it to the Holy Grail, and you’re faced with a good-looking blonde in the same position. Being a gentleman, you want to say “Ladies first!” but you have a mouthful of red. So you both stare at each other, waiting for the other to make the first move, only for that never to happen. So, after an awkwardly long time, the ethanol in the wine is beginning to burn the inside of your mouth, and you decide to throw manners out the window and begin to lean over the spittoon, only to see that she has decided exactly the same. And before you can stop yourself you have deposited in her beautifully dyed hair.
These days the Wine Trade is flooded with characters whom have become so-called experts overnight and the sad thing is that
some of these turn their noses up to amateurs like me trying to learn way. These people are generally the ones who pride themselves on their spitting technique. The really gifted ones stand a good meter or two away from the spittoon and release a beautiful arch of wine from their lips to the centre of the spittoon (see picture above). Then you get me. I have to bury my face deep into the spittoon and spit the wine out, much like a geyser (see picture right), rather than a Las Vegan fountain. This has two pretty horrendous outcomes, firstly, spray back all over my white shirt and secondly the winemaker sees me as an amateur and will ignore me for the Tescos winebuyer standing five people back.
These are just two reasons why I don’t spit. I am sure, if any wine “expert” reads this post, they will not be impressed and I will be giving the Trade a bad name. So what?! I enjoy wine, and I’m going to appreciate it to its fullest, and if this means avoiding social faux pas’, then tough!